The Nursing Home Move: I Went to New York and Blew Things Up

Am still recovering from the New York trip.  A very long, very difficult working day.  On the train going up there, more phone calls.  The New York animal hospital hasn't found a home for the psychotic cat, but they're working on it.  The landlord will give me the extra month I need to clean the place out (M had suggested that he might be willing to pay me to get my father out of there, but Uzi was never going to do that).  And cousin Harriet wants to visit him one last time.  I'd wondered whether I should tell her and decided it was better to give her the chance to see him, instead of spiriting him away in the middle of the night like the Indianapolis Colts.  I think it was the right call.  She and cousin Arthur will see him Saturday.

Then I went up to the apartment and saw the cat sitter, who showed up as I was just getting there, and arranged to have both cats removed next Tuesday.  As soon as that was done, I was able to call E aside and give her the news.  She took it badly, but not in the way I expected.  She wasn't angry so much as grief-stricken.  I understand.  She's been with him six years this month, and at the moment she's with him 12 straight days before she gets two days off.  She had a hard time when we let her go a year ago (that was when the Medicaid agency took over the job) - she used to visit him just as a friend, and she worked as hard as we did to get her into the Medicaid agency and back on the job.  And now it's over, and not with much warning.  There are a lot of last things in the air at the moment but I'm not happy that her relationship with him is one of them. 

By yesterday evening she'd managed to get to anger - spent some time on the phone telling me that she'd been up all night, and her kids were worried about whether she'd get another job, and her son was ready to go work at Wal-Mart.  I don't mean to belittle this.  I'd react the same way.  And if I'd been able to stay in New York... or if being an inter-city caregiver hadn't put a huge dent in my own income... then I'd have it come out differently.  But I wasn't, and I can't.  Times are bad all over, and this is one specific way that that plays out.

Then there was my father.  He was very excited when I got there and he ran around the apartment offering me things, like cat food (he pointed at the bowls on the floor) and a garbage bag (he opened and closed the trash can lid) and the deadbolt on the kitchen door (he slid it back and forth to show me how it makes the food cold).  Stray bits of runaway process, in other words.  I ate with him as usual, and told him the cover story again (reminder: he's coming to visit us in Washington and he'll stay a while with some people who work for me).   He sort of got it but not really.  Tonight when I called him he asked if we were going on our trip to New York, and I told him no, but in a few days we'd be going to Washington, and he thought that was great and then asked if we'd go back to New York.  I'm not all that upset about it because "New York" doesn't really mean New York to him anymore.  It's more a place he's trying to get to, and maybe once he gets there his parents will call him again.

Since I got back around midnight Wednesday I've been staggering around on the brink of a cold.  There's been more work to do (e-mailing Dr. B about sedation, arranging for one of D/2's care managers to meet us when we get to the nursing home on Thursday).  But mostly I've been letting things slide.  I'm going to try to go to ground this weekend and then have an efficient Monday and Tuesday before I head back north and take him on the road.

Have I mentioned that this is the most difficult thing I've ever done?  It is.  I have no idea what that proves - nothing, probably - but I thought I'd say it out loud for whatever that's worth.

Back to the front lines shortly.

Comments

[Kim Bledsoe]

Alan I have been thinking of you and if the move was done and decided to check your blog...God I feel for you..your plate is just overflowing..I will be so happy for you when the move is done and I know you will feel tremendous relief...your cover story is a good one for dad...it will all work out..there is no perfect nor ideal situation for our LO's anymore..you are doing the best thing for your dad..I will be keeping you both in my prayers and I hope you can get a really long night of sleep before you leave...that will help your endurance more than anything...God bless you~ you are in my prayers.

[Cathy]

I definitely hear you when you say that this is the most difficult thing you have ever done. No doubt about it. It was for me. I am here to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I hope that the nursing home staff are as kind and understanding as the staff at my mom's assisted living facility. My mom is so much safer and so well looked after. I have no regrets. The financial cost is high but well worth it for the peace of mind.

Cheers, Cathy

[Nancy Frank]

Alan,
You write beautifully about what I am certain is the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. This is the kind of experience that gets seared into your brain, and it is truly heartbreaking.

I am dreading the day it is my turn, the day my mother no longer recognizes me. Given that both my mom's parents either became senile or had undiagnosed Alzheimer's, the gene pool doesn't look promising.

with all my love and support,

Nancy

[Shu]

You are doing a wonderful accomplishment of an extremely difficult job. I hope the journey South for you Dad will go well and that he will acclimate quickly and with a minimum of confusion and depression. They all say, "it will take at least 30 days," and I hope that short span will prove true for you all. Hang tight, keep rowing, and you'll be arriving soon at the next chapter.

You know that I wish you and him, as well as your wife and even E, very good things in the days to come. All change is a challenge. You are doing a very positive improvement for your father's future, have no doubt. Stay strong and take your vitamins! :-)

Hugs from the Small World.
Shu

[karen]

good luck.I am almost at the point that I will have to move mom to a home.
http://alzheimersandmomblog.blogspot.com/

[Alan G. Ampolsk]

Thanks guys - I really appreciate all the good thoughts, especially since I realize you've all got your own stuff to work with.

Am going into the move-related twilight zone now but will try to keep everybody posted.