My Weariness Amazes Me

...though there's no reason why it should.  You'd expect it after the whole move-him-to-a-nursing-home, close-the-apartment thing.

Nevertheless - there's no fatigue like the fatigue you get when you've been in a state of extreme tension, and suddenly the tension drops.  Adrenaline crash, which I've experienced before on this gig, doesn't begin to describe it.  It's worse because, in spite of your intellectual awareness, you really didn't understand the state you were in. 

I find I'm mainly sleeping a lot, and working, but not very efficiently.

Objectively, everything is going well.  I saw my father last Sunday.  My wife joined me for the first time.  What with our move and her work and the fact that I did my New York visits on weekdays (so I could fold in some business and control the costs)... what with all that, she hasn't seen him in two years.  Her main reaction, apart from noting the obvious, which is that he's slid a long way in that time, is that he looked good and seemed happy.  He seemed that way to me, too.  He went off in long looping riffs about the guy who clearly works for me because he's really sharp, he's really got it (the guy in question is another dementia patient - one who unsettles me because he's roughly my age.  He doesn't speak, and mainly wanders up and down the corridor).  And that's good, because it connects to this (his wristwatch) which is really great, it's straight up here and straight over there (the hands).  And here's somebody else who's very good (a patient again, this time a woman who bows obsessively - she stood behind me most of the time I was there)...

I was only peripherally aware of the other residents (you get used to them) and focused mainly on surfing his conversation and finding things to react to.  This was much the same as it used to be when I saw him in New York - I was sometimes successful, sometimes not, and had to filter the same amount of word salad.  But it was much easier because his mood is lighter (more attention?  Better meds?  Does it really matter?)  Once again, he was OK with our leaving after about 40 minutes.  We're just one set of people among dozens now.

Which is the point, and I'm having a hard time getting used to it.  The sense of emergency is gone.  The close listening for cues about his mental state, that's gone.  The vigilance-slash-anger about the caregiving staff, that's finished.  The hours-long phone calls are over.  The cavalry is here, so I don't have to be the cavalry any more.

But all of that - being the cavalry and such - those were the props that were holding me up.  Pull them out and I collapse, apparently.

There's still maintenance to do.  Every day I make one phone call, and change an address or cancel an account.  Other than that I try to read and do photography and listen to music, none of which I'm very good at at the moment.  I'm out of practice.

Every time I write about things getting routine, and the end of emergencies, something else breaks loose.  So I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself.  I'm sure there's something out there - medical crisis or financial crisis or something else that'll put me back on alert.

Either that or I'll begin to learn how to be a human being again.

All I can say for now is my plan is to forget about today until tomorrow.

Comments

[julie]

Good luck with that, Alan.
One thing I noticed when I left my husband in the home for a week of respite is that the other
residents at first made me uncomfortable because of the strange behavior until it dawned on
me that they are the same as my husband. Someones father, husband, grandpa, grandma, whatever, suffering much the same as my husband with this disease that takes away every
bit of themselves leaving a walking, breathing, EATING, rambling shell of the person they were.
I feel a lot more generous to those folks now that my husband has experienced the home for
a time and he actually didn't want to come home with me when I went to pick him up. He had
formed some sort of connection with the three other fellows at his dinner table and they with him. I wasn't part of that but instead of making me feel bad, I was relieved. I know now when the day comes that I leave him permanently, he will be fine. In fact, he will be better than at home, as he is with others he can let himself be okay with his state. I'm the one going to have to adjust.
cheers and thanks for posting.

[Sis]

I want to tell you how much your latest postings have meant to me. I came here from the Alz message boards. I haven't reached the stage with my mom where she'll be going to a facility yet, but I recognize so many of your feelings.
In my mom's case, there's a failing marriage exacerbated by her dementia - she's been in and out of my home so many times I might as well install a revolving door. But I think the stepfather's reached his limit on caring for her and she's my responsibility for good now.
So I've experienced the lightened feeling before, when returning my mom to her husband, only to have her back in my care within months.
The tense feeling of being "ON" all the time while caregiving has been with me since the spring now. I totally identify with your adrenaline crash.
I hate to say that I'm ready for someone else to be the cavalry, but I think I'm almost there.
thanks for the great posts.

[Alan G. Ampolsk]

Julie -

That was exactly my reaction - at first it seemed like something out of Dickens, and then I realized that 1) my father fits right in, and 2) all of those patients are attached to family like me, and we're all in the same wallowing boat. Now I'm trying to get used to my slow fade into the background - it's welcome and upsetting in about equal parts.

It's good to see you back around, by the way - hadn't heard from you in a while and I wondered how things were going.

Sis -

Glad you posted, and welcome to our small Alzheimer's neighborhood. It sounds like you've had many rehearsals for the eventual placement - which must be very hard when you're going through it, but with luck it means that you'll be better prepared when I was when the time comes to move her. Re: the posts, you're welcome, and I hope you'll stick around for more.

[julie]

Alan,
I've been here everyday, just haven't had time to post any comments. My stepson has made me promise to keep my husband home until after the holidays so I have hired help coming in three times a week plus xtra when needed to try to manage that promise. He will be coming around the fifteenth and I'm hoping for him to get a good taste of what it is to deal with this 24/7 so his understanding is that it is time. I'm still trying to suck it up and drive on. You are a good soldier.